What’s In A Name?
Author: Danielle Williams
My little boy has his father’s big brown eyes, his sense of silliness, and his last name. Parenting this sweet boy is sincerely great, and with his little brother coming later this year, I’m glad to be forging a family on our own terms. But thinking about our familial identity, I’m questioning for the first time whether keeping my maiden name is problematic.
When I got married, I knew I would not change my name. The choice felt so obvious, and it felt right. I remained open-minded, knowing I could change my mind at any time if my feelings ever evolved. After long conversations, my partner understood and supported my choice, and my name has had no meaningful impact on our relationship, either for better or worse.
With the arrival of our first son and the coming arrival of our second son, the issue feels more complicated. I’m faced with my choice every time I have to write our different names on a form or set a doctor's appointment, and so on. I could change my name today and make the collective identity of our family simple. There is something very appealing about that. Or I could retain the name I was born with and live as an example to my boys that we are not beholden to the rules of patriarchy and that what makes us a family is deeper than a name on some paperwork.
I can’t pretend I don’t somewhat resent how simple it is for my partner. He was born with a name that he passed on to his children, who themselves will probably do the same. There’s no reason for him to think much about the implications of participating in patriarchal traditions and no reason to consider societal expectations that are not serving us equally.
Truthfully, I have absolutely no connection to my last name. It was passed down to me from a pair of grandparents I never met. It’s one of the top five most common surnames in America, so it’s not unique (although something about the anonymity that affords me is comforting). But this name is the first thing I have told people about myself my entire life.
I only shared a last name with my mother for a few years before she remarried, so I know firsthand that having varying last names in a family is not strange and doesn’t cause problems. Further, there are plenty of other cultures that don’t have naming traditions like this and I reflect on that very frequently. Yet it feels like this choice looms over me in a way it didn’t before.
It feels bizarre to be thinking about it this much. I tend not to be a sentimental person, and for three decades of my life, my name was just a title, like any other. I have never considered the meaning or background of my name, nor what it meant to me personally.
I really might make the change- I don’t know at this point. For now, I’m enjoying the life I’ve built and investing my energy in the deeper aspects of our family, as opposed to the parts that feel superficial, like our name.
